


Broken

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-06-23
Updated: 2005-06-23
Packaged: 2018-12-27 11:54:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12080550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Brian and Justin fight. Its sort of sad too.





	Broken

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

I woke up the next morning remembering what I had said to Justin last night; I told him 'I love you'. I said it when I thought he was asleep. He woke up staring right at me. I turned around and fell asleep he didn't say a word.

I got up out of bed this morning and started getting dressed. Justin eventually woke up out of his slumber and decided to just stare at me as I dressed, just like he always did. I still had my shirt off when I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. Justin came up behind me and put his arms around my waist pulling me towards him. Then he started kissing my neck. "Brian tell me it again."

"Tell you what again?"

"You know what you told me last night while we were drifting off to sleep."

I pull away from his grasp and continue brushing my teeth, "Your delusional, I didn't say anything."

He puts his arms back around my waist; his soft skin against mine is how he always wins these battles. "Are you joking just so you don't have to repeat it? Because it doesnâ€™t matter I heard it once that's good enough for me."

He turns to walk away, I yell back at him, "It was a mistake, don't take it so seriously."

He stopped dead in his tracks and turned around looking at me, "You are such an ass hole Brian. We have been together a year a half and you can't even say three simple words to me. But as soon as you do, you say they were a mistake. You know what you were the mistake Brian, letting such a wonderful person here on earth and he doesn't even have feelings."

I drop the toothbrush into the sink and walk up to him so I can look down at him. "My only mistake Justin was having the should-have-been-one-night-stand with you, become something more."

I look him in the eyes not even blinking once. He looks right back at me with such sadness in his face. I see a tear puddle on the eyelid of his left eye, as soon as he blinks it trickles down his cheek right to his jaw line.

Then he turns and walks away he grabs some things out of the closet that are his and stuffs them in a duffle bag. While walking to the other side of the bed to grab his sketchbook, he sees the drawing I bought from the art show he drew. He grabs it, gives me the most painful look he can give me, and throws it on the ground. Hearing the shattering glass on the floor makes me wince.

Then he walks out the door. I didn't know what to say. I had pissed Justin off before but usually heâ€™d just leave to cool down. But this time he actually packed some stuff. I walked over and sat on the bed staring at the shattered glass on the ground. I laid back on the bed and decided I was skipping work today. I called in sick and spent the whole day laying there in bed. I woke up at about 4 in the afternoon. I got up to put a shirt on and opened the closet. I saw that all of Justin's stuff was gone. Not just the stuff he took this morning but more. I looked around the loft, to see that every bit of Justin that was here is now gone.

He must have gotten in while I was sleeping. I walked over to the bed and sat down. I looked at where the shattered glass was and saw that it was still there and so was a note. I opened it up and read it...

Brian,

I decided I can't take it. Our relationship was a lost cause. You will always want tricks around you whenever you need them. And I will just be another person for you to control. I heard you say those words to me last night, even if you want to forget them doesn't mean they weren't there.  
I still love you, which people think is stupid but I don't care. I am not telling you where I am staying because well, I don't want you to find me and try getting me back. Because I know as soon as I see you I will just give in to what you want. It's not going to work this time. We are over.  
So this is what you had a one-night-stand that stuck around. But now you are just all alone. You will look around your loft and see me everywhere whether you want to admit it or not. I wont miss you Brian, I will never stop thinking about you but I will not miss you.

Have a good life Brian.  
Love,  
Justin

I probably read that letter 10 times before it hit me hard right in the gut. That I did it again; I pushed someone away that I love. But something about this time around was harder on me. I sat on the bed looking around and seeing that without Justin; my life was pathetic and unimaginable.

 

It had been three weeks and about twenty five tricks since Justin left me. I hadn't gone to the diner because I couldn't be running into Justin there. No one had really seen me at all. If I went to Babylon it was too grab a trick and get the hell out of there. I didn't spend any time there that I didn't need to, because I didn't want to run into Justin being with someone else. I don't think I could handle it.

I hadn't seen Justin at all, I ran into Michael a few times. And word on the street or at least from people I run into at Babylon is that Justin found a new boyfriend and they seem pretty serious. It was hard to hear it every time someone told me.

I was getting sick of hiding from Justin so today I decided to go to the diner. I walked through the doors to see Michael sitting at a booth alone. I sat next to him.

"Brian what are you doing here?" he looked me up and down, "Brian don't come in here expecting to get him back, because he's taken, and you need to move one."

"I wasn't going to say anything at all. I just wanted to come in here and get a coffee."

Deb heard my voice and walked over to me, "Get out Brian"

"Deb please I'm not going to do anything I just want some coffee."

"You hurt that boy anymore than you have already; I swear you will wish you were dead."

She walked away and I turned to Michael. "I already do."

"Brian that's not funny."

"It wasn't a joke Michael. I don't think at any time in my life has it ever seemed like there was no point. At least with Justin I felt like I had a reason to get up in the morning. If I only saw his face once every day, that would be enough for me to start the day. But I blew it, I told him I loved him and then I said it was a mistake."

"You told him you loved him?"

"Yeah, when I thought he was asleep. Well he wasn't now he thinks I'm shit."

"He doesn't think you are shit."

I grab my wallet out of my back pocket and hand him a folded piece of paper. He opens it up and starts reading. He is reading the note that Justin gave me after he left me for good.

"You know how many times I read that a day?" Michael gives me a puzzled look "Every moment I am alone. Because it makes me realize why I am alone."

As soon as I finish that sentence the bell above the door rings letting everyone know someone is walking through the door. I look at the door for the first time while I am there and I see Justin walk through it with a cute young brunette at his hand. They walk to the only empty booth in the diner, which just happens to be in my perfect view. Justin hadn't noticed me yet until he saw Deb walk over to my table telling me not to say a word to him. I was staring at him the whole time.

I looked away when I took a drink of my coffee. I looked back up to see him kiss his boyfriend. Then I looked away again. I felt a knot in my stomach grow tighter. I couldn't bear to watch. I started to feel sick to my stomach so I got up casually out of the booth and walked to the bathroom. I go into the first stall I see and throw up into the toilet.

I had to hold back from letting my stomach come out of my mouth also. Then I got out of the stall and washed my face off at the sink. Then the door opened and Justin walked in. He came up to the sink to wash his hands. I grabbed a paper towel out of the dispenser and started drying off my face. I grabbed another one out and a pen from my pocket. I wrote something on the paper towel and handed it to Justin and walked out.

I gave Deb a five dollar bill on the way out even though my coffee was only two bucks. I got into my jeep and drove away. I thought about what I wrote on the paper towel..

If it was truly a mistake, then it was the best mistake I ever made.

I don't know if it would really make a difference at all to Justin. But it felt good to say something to him anyways. I got back to the house. It was about noon and I decided I needed to sleep. 

I ended up waking up at midnight. Got up and went to check my messages. Nobody called, that upset me. I slid my door open to go out to check my mail. I looked to my right to see Justin sitting down on the floor, leaning against the wall, sleeping. I closed my door and sat down next to him leaning against it.

I stared at him for awhile until I noticed him clenching something in his hand. I slowly started to pull it out, when finally I noticed exactly what it was. It was the paper towel I handed him in the bathroom.

Then he started to stir, and eventually woke up. He stretched his arms out and then looked at me. "Justin how long have you been out here?"

"Well you got here at about noon, and I got here at about 12:30"

"You've been sitting here for a little less than twelve hours?" he gives me this look like I was exactly right. "You know you could've knocked. I would have answered it and let you in."

"I didn't want to; I wanted to see if you would have left or not." He got up and then so did I.

We both looked at each other. I wanted to pull him close to me so bad but I didn't. "So, do you want to come in and talk?"

"Yes" he walked into my house like the first night he stayed the night. He was very cautious of his surroundings. I think he was afraid of what we were going to talk about.

I stared at him and he stared at me, we didn't say anything. I walked up to him and looked him in the eyes. I wanted to pull him into me so bad just then but I didn't.

He took a step back, "Brian you are not going to win that way this time."

"I wasn't trying to win anything. I just didn't want to stand so far apart that it was like miles."

"Did you mean what you said?"

"'When"

"When you told me it was a mistake. When you said you loved me that it was a mistake. Did you mean it?"

How do I say this without seeming weaker than my young lover, "You scare me Justin. Not you, so much as your actions and what you make me feel inside. I've never gone back to the same person more than once. It's not who I am, it's not me Brain Kinney the master of claiming tricks." He seems interested in every word coming out of my mouth, "Justin you were persistent. You wouldn't give up. Which made something about your innocence, your beauty, and yours view on life so pleasing. You were like a drug to me, every day I had to have more. 

"I had to hear your voice I had to touch your soft velvet-like skin. And then I started feeling myself get close and I pulled away. Grabbing tricks while I was at Babylon with you. I wanted to make you jealous I wanted to get you to leave me. But you didn't, I tried pushing you away. But you just keep coming back, I don't do love Justin, I'm sorry. I can express into words how I feel about you but I just can't bring myself to say those words."

He stares at for what seems to be at least an hour. "Should I have left Brian? Should I have given up on you and left? Do you think you would be better off then?"

"No" I start to walk up to him again and he doesn't move. "I'm happy you didn't give up on me. It's just I don't deserve you Justin, you are so young you still have your whole life to live so you should just live it."

He walks up to me and puts his hand on the back of my neck bringing me into him. Our lips are at least an inch away from each other, "I want to live it with you."

Then he kisses me. It feels good to feel his soft lips against mine again. I slip my hand up the front of his shirt I love to feel his soft skin and he knows it so he lets it happen. Then I grab his hand and take him to the bed.

He lies on the bed first, me lying over him straddling his hips. I start kissing his neck and then he starts to talk, "Brian"I look at him right in his face staring into his eyes. "What about what you said to me that night?" I bury my head in his chest, "We can't just forget it." I lift my head up giving him a look pleading for him to drop the subject, "Well I can't forget it even if you can."

I roll over onto my back on the bed. I sigh in utter annoyance. He rolls over on his side staring at me. "Brian talk to me. I want to know how you can just say something like that and act like it didn't happen." I sit up on the edge of the bed and he sits next to me laying his hand on my leg. "Brian why did you say it?!"

I pull away from him and jump to my feet, "Because I wanted to know how it would feel!" As soon as I say it I walk into the kitchen so I don't have to see his expression.

He walks up beside me as I grab a water out of the fridge. "What do you mean you wanted to know how it would feel?"

"I mean exactly what I say. I wanted to feel what you feel every time you say it to me. And I felt it and it's over. I just can't express myself like you do. I grab onto his shirt and pull him up to me, I say this very slowly to him, "I don't do love."

Then I get off of him and walk away. This isn't how I thought this would go. He yells back at me, "Well you do me and I'm love!"

"Get over yourself Justin being in love and actually being love are two totally different things. You are just in love and wasting it on someone like me which I don't even know why."

He walks up to me and I don't move from where I am. "Do you remember the first night we met?" I nod my head "Look at me now. I wouldn't be caught dead in what I was wearing the first night we met. Sneakers and a flannel, oh and those jeans. You changed me, you helped me find myself. That night you didn't throw me to the curb because I didn't know what I was doing instead you were there for me.

"I was there when you went and saw Gus for the first time. I remember the expression on your face like it was yesterday, you were so happy. Now you can't tell me you would have taken one of your tricks to meet your son the first time you do. You felt something for me. You won't admit it, I know, but it was there and very apparent."

Then he moves towards me wrapping his arm around my waist facing me, he's only inches from my face. "Justin I can't say it. I can say that I care for you, and I can say that I can"t even contemplate my life without you. And I can especially tell you that I can not fathom the thought of not holding you in my arms, but I can't say those words."

With that his eyes gloss over in tears but he bites his bottom lip trying to hold them back which he does really well. He pulls me up to him kissing me long and passionately. He tease my lips with him tongue before it enters my mouth. Then we start kissing tongues in each other's mouths feeling the familiar place that they have been to before.

He moves his hand up my shirt and takes it off of me. Then I take off his. I start kissing down his neck to his chest and then eventually to his nipple ring. I start doing circles around it with my tongue. I take the ring into my teeth and pull just a little. He holds his breath than exhales very strong. This gets me going. I grab his hand and bring him to the bed. I push him onto it. I start kissing him on the lips all the way down to his navel when he tells me tonight he just wants to make love with me.

I move up to his lips again kissing him. He pushes me onto my back. He unbuttons my pants and pulls them off revealing that I am wearing nothing underneath, I can tell he is intrigued. I push him back over onto his back and I take off his pants and briefs. I stop to take in how much I missed this feeling we are sharing right now. I miss him being near me.

We spend the rest of the night kissing and just enjoying each other's affection for one another. Finally we finish and lay holding each other in bed. I lay behind him, exactly the way he is laying on the bed. I wrap my arm around him and grab his hand interlocking every finger with his.

Then I just lie there and think. What did I get myself into being with this kid? He was right I would never have brought one of my tricks to meet Gus, even if it wasn't the first time I did. 

I remember what it was like the first time I had ever seen Justin. He was leaning against a light pole smoking a cigarette. I was leaving Babylon and hadn't even got a trick to bring home yet. I saw him by the light pole and decided I had to have him. So I walked up to him, as soon as he spoke I knew this was his first time out here. So told him that he was coming with me and to this day I never regret picking him up there. I even left all my friends for him that night.

For the rest of the night I just sit and stare at him holding him close to me feeling his skin against mine and then I finally I fall asleep.


End file.
